The Zodiac

Fantastic 4 (2015)

Fantastic 4

Fantastic 4 (2015)


So, critics were panning the new Fantastic 4 movie since the casting had begun so I know they were salivating when it was released and giving it negative reviews. A lot of it is true; I can’t lie. But I think they also went over the top a bit in their critique of this film. Ok, sure another origin story about these guys is told but in the way they did it in the first 1/3rd of the film, it made a lot of sense. The young genius, Richard Reed was a little kid building a transporter in his parent’s garage and recruits the help of classmate Ben Grimm, the son of some trashy parents who own a trashy junk yard. So, we have the genius and the hard-edge. Unlikely match but being social outcasts, they become friends and build on this piece of science. Years later, after their first attempt at the transporter shows they’ve transported a toy car but only rocks came back meant they were close. Now, they’re at a science fair where they meet Martin Querns from “OZ” but here, he’s pretending to be Susan Storm’s adopted and Johnny Storm’s father. They’re intrigued by Reed and Ben’s demo and give Reed a full ride to their institution which is government-funded and backed.

While there, Reed gets closer to the team which consists of Susan Storm, Johnny (by way of bribery by his father to get is piece of crap Toyota MR2 back), and the previously ousted Von Doom who is now a social outcast looking like a grunge cover band lead trombonist. Querns visits him and gives him another chance to make their Transporter work. Von Doom is interested in Quern’s daughter instead and that’s what convinces him. Potential to #hulksmash. Back in the lab, Von Doom and the team work to get the transporter finalized and after sending Caesar from Planet of the Apes on a test run into who-knows-where with camera equipment, they’ve determined what looks like Arizona during dusk will be safe for human travel after Caesar comes back safely. That’s when the government comes in patting backs, chewing an endless piece of gum (or a case of serious TMJ), and trying to take over. Not with the program, Reed and the team figure they’ll do it first to get the credit so he calls Ben out of the blue who uses an Uber to get to the institution in record speed.

So, they all go into the pods to enter into the dimension of Arizona and take off. Sue at the helm holds down the fort and when they get there, they discover Arizona has putrid green slime in the ground. Most likely from transported New Jersey waste barrels…maybe even the ones that affected The Toxic Avenger and The Hills Have Eyes characters. Either way, it’s probably best to snap a few pics, grab a sample and leave. But Noooooooo…!!! They figure it’s a good idea to walk a half mile in the goop and figure out what’s the problem. The Black man knew better and stayed behind. The rest? “Let’s see what this new dimension is about!” So, of course, shit goes haywire and that’s where all hell breaks loose. Sure, a few make it back and explode in the lab causing poor Sue to become invisible, Johnny looking like Ghost Rider, Reed stretched out looking like my old Stretch Armstrong action figure and Ben wound up being a really cool Thing. All is lost? Nah…the government has plans for these kids until Reed escapes and promises a return.

From this point, Phase 2 steps in and it’s cool but Phase 3 enters Dr. Doom and it’s soooo rushed!! I mean, Dr. Doom should be as badass as his comic character and although his powers are awesome and violent, his look? Well…they tried too hard to make him look like he fell in epoxy resin. I don’t know…it’s an origin story so maybe the thought is next movie: he’ll have a metal face. There was only one real battle scene and it was pretty quick. So, forget action. Sue’s hair proves how many reshoots there were and everyone seemed disinterested. It wasn’t as bad and it’s worth a watch but not a rewatch. The Thing is really cool but he hardly says anything! He just agrees with shit and keeps a grudge. Johnny is all about those 5 seconds and the Mara chick from House of Cards is great as Sue. In fact, all of the people rock their characters nicely. It’s just not as cohesive as it could be and when the credits come up (FAST!!), you’re left with a face like “…what? It’s over already?” You leave, get your ticket validated and don’t really think about it. I swear there were parts in the trailer that weren’t in the movie…like Thing falling out of the helicopter. But maybe I dozed off. I don’t know. I would’ve rated it 2.5 stars out of 5 but I rounded up.