The Zodiac

Online Dating: A Man’s Perspective

Anyone who knows me knows I’m no stranger to online dating sites. I’ve been on one for a number of years on and off since I’m social-friendly, tech-savvy, and like to expand my horizons beyond the usual hook-ups at bars, friends of friends, random church visits, and friendly cell-phone hook-ups. Also, anyone who knows me knows I like to seek out truths no matter how hurtful they may be to either myself or the sought-after party. Therefore, writing this blog is a necessary evil as far as online dating site profiles go.

It may be regional but living out in the South West has introduced me to some great new adventures. Traveling to Las Vegas, photographing scenic and desert landscapes, hiking mountains, and running into some of the friendliest people in the country are some of the perks. But online? Yeah, that’s where it gets interesting. I can only record this from a man’s perspective but it seems that women online, in the South West at least, seem to be in their own world. let me list them below.

Overweight

Yeah, the big gurls seem to have overpopulated the online community. What’s crazy is most of them don’t see themselves as “fat”. I’m talking Adele-type women. Mo’Nique-shaped walruses are rummaging through online dating sites at an alarming rate stampeding through slim, muscular, and slender men’s profiles lukeh puh nub! I’m like this: Why don’t fat chicks just look for fat men?

Even worse is at their sizes, they’ve messed up the scale. Remember when women the size of Jennifer Lopez in her Fly Girl days were considered “thick”? Now, women the size of Queen Latifah are claiming that title. Since when? Who moved the scale? If you run out of breath climbing stairs, I’m sorry but you’re probably fat. If you rock back and forth to get off the couch, you’re probably fat. Don’t try to mark “A few extra pounds” or “Average” in your profile when “BBW” or “Overweight” is an option. Just saying…

Tattoos

Look…I understand you may have made some dumb choices when you were younger. But there’s no need to keep making them in your older age. Tattoos are never going to make you look classier and when you start making your body look like a graffiti artists’s wet dream with random thoughts marked on your body, why would you actually wanna show them off? You put on a silk, backless dress on in your profile pix and that skull on your chest kinda stands out. Then you’re pissed ’cause your “eyes are up here”. Yeah, but that dumb-ass tattoo is down there.

That Halle Berry elegance doesn’t show on tattoo chicks. So, avoid them since they obviously make bad decisions and have shitty body image confidence considering they feel the need to mark themselves up looking like an 8th-grader’s composition book.

Shaved Eyebrows, Lip-Liners, and Hot Messes

Aight…there’s no real category here. Just a lot of bullshit. It seems some women don’t like their eyebrows so they feel they could do better than what God could do. Enter the Venus razor. Ladies..WTF?! Why do you think that drawing in your eyebrows after shaving them off is a good look? Who told you that? Do you know who else does that? Ronald McDonald! You don’t look good. You look like a damn clown and when I see you, you better be handing out Big Macs. Some have the nerve to actually act as if they’re the best-looking on the block with a mad-face etched over their eyes.

And oh! Let’s add insult to injury and pop in some eyeliner around your lips to give the appearance of fuller lips. Oh yeah..you fooled me! Do you realize that after a while, you’ll have to Neutrogena your face off and what’s left is some of the scariest shit known to human population? A blank stare, no eyebrows, little lips, and probably a rash! Why are so many online?

No Drama and Much Fun

Okay! Why do so many women state that they’re so much fun to be around and they hate drama? How many people LOVE drama in their lives and make it a point that they aren’t any fun? What else? Oh…they also hate cheaters, fake people, and know how to “keep it real”. Especially with their fake lashes, fake boobs, fake ass, fake mask made out of cosmetics, and twirling their weave. Oh…but they keep it real! GTFOHWTBS!

Camera Phone Pic Angles & Mirrors

Hey guess what? Just because you lift your phone way above your head, look up, and snap a shot doesn’t mean you’re fooling me with your gut and small tits. I know that angled shot. You’re trying to make your figure slimmer and your boobs bigger while you make some stupid duck-mouthed expression. You look like a moron. Why not take a photo of yourself head-on or something with a good camera with a timer? I’m not impressed. In fact, why not take the picture from below instead? Scared your chubby gut will stand out instead? Yeah, I figured as much.

And what’s up with the mirror shots over and over? I can barely see you since your iPhone’s Apple logo is more prominent than your face is. Maybe I should thank Apple in some of the cases. But jeez…really? Have you all run out of originality so much that you never took the time to seek out an app that has say… a TIMER on it!?! There’s a grand and original thought! There’s an app for that. Use it!

Serial LTR’s

Why do women always put “looking for a relationship”? And they judge every man based on that belief. They are willing to bypass friendship because they’re on the hunt specifically for husband material. On a first date, a Long-Time Relationship-hunter will judge that man and see only his flaws. However, how many people do you know where you had to spend a significant amount of time with them before realizing how great they are? First dates will never determine what the future holds. Try putting “Friends First” somewhere and move from there. Desperation bleeds from those dying to find a significant other.

Cut Off Photos

Why do you have photos up that include cut-off shoulders, ears, necks and you’re in the far right or left of the pic? It’s 2012. You have access to cheap cameras with inexpensive SD cards. Almost all cellphones have cameras on them. iPads, tablets, laptops, iMacs, netbooks, whatever is at your disposal and you’re digging up photos of yourself with your exes, yet have enough savvy to open up your photo editor and chop 98% of them out? You’re an idiot. Take a new photo of yourself and call it a day! It takes a whole 4 seconds you lazy jackass! What’s wrong with people?

Hotter Friends and Family Members

Food for thought. Don’t post up photos of yourself in a group setting with your friends. They’re usually hotter than you and by comparison, you look like a gift to “The Wing Man”. It sucks but I’m here for the truth. When you do that, our eyes gravitate to the hottest woman in the photo. It’s probably not you since your hot friend isn’t online and has sex with multiple men on Thursdays. You, however want to feel pretty so you hang with pretty people. That’s cool on Wednesdays. But online profiles should have you with ugly people in a group or your dog. So, when we compare, you’ll look like the grand prize…not the consolation prize.

You Can’t Spell, Dammit!

What ever happened to the English language? People continuously are writing worse and worse. Now, women are writing their profile essays in text. Text! “Hey! Im da type 2 hang w/da fellaz. U wanna B my frnd 2?” Imagine how she speaks. She probably speaks the same way she writes. Then you look at the education and it’s highest is High School. It kinda clarifies things but still…how ridiculous is it that women are trying to attract men with that type of writing. Good thing they only get the lowest common denominator. Their kids will probably bang on the keyboard hoping words will form. Dolts!

Liars

Women always post “I’m not looking for a hook-up so if that’s what you want, go to the next woman.” These women are usually the ones who have sex on the first date. Don’t believe them. You want sex like everyone else but are afraid of being tagged a “slut” or “whore”. Guess what? Guys do it so why shouldn’t you? You’re not fooling anyone trying to make us believe you want someone just like Jesus Christ. Bullshit! You want a man who will blow your back out and leave you in ruins. Stop lying.

Your Damn Kids

It seems that 95% of women 28 and older online have a minimum of two kids. It’s as if they were in their fantasy land in their teens and when they reached 21, they found that special someone! So, they married, got pregnant, had kids, hated their husband, divorced, are used and abused and NOWWWW, they’re ready to be serious with a guy…except this time, with baggage. And what do they do with that extra extension of their exes? They take pix and post them on their profiles as if a guy looking to date is happy to have two more strangers in the future calling them “daddy”. Mothafucka, please! Find someone with kids also so you can both struggle with planning a romantic getaway for 2 hours.

In conclusion, the online environment is a study in human psychology. I’ve actually found some great friends through the process as well as lovers and even girlfriends. But do everyone a favor and state the truth, ladies. Stop looking drag-queen-crazy in your photos, fire-breathing desperation in your words, and please…actually make moves to improve your life so your future significant other finds you more attractive than what you put out there. Honesty is sexy, ladies. Your reality masked in fantasy will eventually be revealed someday. But hey, don’t believe me. Believe the douche bags you keep attracting since your methods are obviously working. Ha!