Once again, another installment of your favorite narcissists have emerged from the depths of their own vanity. And with their own instant gratification of being masturbated to by internet voyeurs, these ladies have ramped up their photo-taking skills and mastered the mirror like no other. So, I present to you Chicks and Camera Phones 4!
As an artist, I’m always utilizing my visual abilities to become enamored by what the world has to offer. My eyes never lie and earthly beauty has always fascinated me. Enter man and his ink pen. Tattoos have been a part of modern-day civilization and pop culture for several decades and today, people like getting inked on their skin for several reasons: religion, expression, spiritualism, and sometimes to be a complete jackass so their friends can laugh at them. Living for the now is a great thing. But living to regret it later in life is something God should’ve put into the brains of these morons. I present to you..Tattoos that suck.
I’ve been divorced now for just about 18 months after 17 years of marriage. Obviously “dating” was going to take me back to my teenage years with one exception, that was over 20 years ago and if you hadn’t noticed, the world has changed significantly since then (I’ll leave it at that as to avoid over aging myself!).
Friends kept encouraging to “get out there and meet someone”. While that sounds simple enough, it’s really more challenging than one would think when you’re “older”. Their solution: get online, do some online dating. I blew it off and didn’t give it much thought; after all I was really just finding me again and who I really was and wanted. After many months of soul searching and non-stop poking, prodding, nagging, encouragement and a break up from a brief relationship, I took the plunge. And…what a plunge it was.
I’ve been on the site since mid March (approx. 4 calendar months). I say calendar months because the actual time in which my profile was active or visible is far less than that. After all, I can only tolerate so much stupidity in one helping so when my max is reached it forces me to go into hiding until I can sufficiently recuperate! I can’t even count the number of times I’ve hidden my profile not to mention that I completely deleted my profile once and in an apparent moment of brief insanity created it again! Simply proves I truly am crazy or at least enjoy being abusive to myself.
Online dating is an amazing sociological experiment. If only they had it back in the day when I had to take Sociology 101! I might have taken an entirely different career path.
Alright, let’s get to the fun stuff and talk about this game of POF and all the idiosyncrasies of it, not to mention the various pet peeves I have the dating sites (I’m sure they are all the same, though I’ve not been brave enough to endure another one!)
POF = Plenty of Freaks, Fools, Flakes…or any other F word you choose to insert here is really more appropriate than giving fish a bad name! Let’s start with the profile pictures; after all, that’s the first impression and isn’t a picture worth a thousand words? And we’d all be kidding ourselves if we denied an element of attraction as being important here. It’s not like you’re going to find the least attractive dude out there and jump at the chance of sending him a message! Sheesh!
DARK, GRAINY, MICRO:
Guys will take a photo of themselves (we’ll get to that next) and do it in such poor lighting that you can essentially only see a halo of them or a portion of their face amongst the shadows. And poor lighting usually equates to a grainy looking photo! Speaking of grainy photos, if you’re going to post a photo of yourself then don’t find the best photo you have as a thumbnail and blow it up before you post it! It completely distorts everything and at that rate you might as well not even bother! That’d be like you being the priest and me coming in for confessions (I’m admitting to nothing here!). If you are smaller than the size of one of my fingernails in your photo, do you really think I’m going to get a realistic idea of what you look like to determine if I’m interested? Just as guys are, girls are visual! Give us enough to look at to see if we want to test drive before leasing or buying!
Why do guys insist that their car is the best place to take a self portrait? Really? I could think of a 100 other places to take a portrait of yourself than in your car! I especially like it when you are all nice and buckled in! Click-it or Ticket, right!?
I swear dudes either don’t have any friends, think it’s gay to have a picture taken of himself by others or is simply embarrassed to have someone else take that shirtless photo of him (we’ll get to that next). It’s pretty obvious when you can see the camera (better known as their “smartphone” and/or the reflection of the flash in the mirror! Too bad those smartphones aren’t smart enough to hide themselves from the picture! “Mirror on the wall, here we are again”… Speaking of the mirror, inevitably 99% of the mirror photos are taken in the bathroom! I can tell a lot about you based on what is in your bathroom and how clean it is! How about doing some creative photography and at least hold the camera in front of you so that we can’t see the camera. You can worry about the full body shots later!
SHIRTLESS or MINIMAL ATTIRE
While women are visual beings, we also like a little left to the imagination! It heightens our desires to be able to initially undress you with our eyes. 99% of the profiles have photos of the dudes shirtless. This is OK if you are athletic and in shape, however, if you are large and in charge, half gorilla or pasty, pasty white, please put your shirt back on before snapping the photo!
Better yet, you may think you’re all that and that I’m sitting here pining over what you may have in your tool box, but really…I’m not. For those of you who feel the need to unzip your pants, lower them or wear a lose fitting towel so I can see just the top of your groin area…please put your pants back on; after all, what would your mother think if she “came across” those photos! For those of you who feel the need to expose yourself in nothing but your drawers…REALLY? SERIOUSLY? If those babies aren’t brand new, your body is not appealing and/or your tool box isn’t maxed out please, please, please put your pants back on! I could have nightmares for days!
It’s great that you like to workout, but I don’t need photos of you in the locker room taking pics of yourself (see MIRROR above). I also don’t need to see you “working out”. That is, I don’t need to see you lifting the dumb bells or bar bells or lifting on the machines! I get it, you work out, I believe you and can tell by your pictures (see SHIRTLESS or MINIMAL ATTIRE above or FITNESS below). Another thing, it’s great that you like nice arms, chest, back, shoulders and abs…but what the hell happened to those chicken legs of yours! Work it baby!
You may be proud that your body is a canvas for someone’s artwork but there comes a point in time where enough is enough. Tattoos are cool but when I can no longer tell the color of your “true” skin…it’s overboard. You are either sadistic and enjoy pain or you simply have nothing better to spend your money on. A few tattoos…OK, but everywhere!? Ridonkulous!
It’s great that you have photos proving you have friends, but if you’re going to post pictures with you amongst a large crowd of people do you think you could at least tell me which one is you!? I’d hate to mistake you for the cute one when you’re really the least desirable one! Sell yourself; this is your sales pitch to make me want to get to know you!
You have kids, nieces, nephews, etc. in your photos Great, I’m glad you enjoy having a fun time with them, but do you really need to introduce them to the online dating world!? Is their no element of privacy in their lives? Find other pictures, there’s a shitload of creeps out there and you don’t need your children exposed to them!
How about pictures of you with other females that are a little too cozy to call a friend or relative? I’d recommend cropping her out or using a different photo…after all, you do want to find someone else, right? I’m assuming there’s a valid reason they aren’t in your life anymore and women simply have a tendency to analyze, compare and contrast. Do you really want to bring that drama (see profiles below)?
CARS, TOYS OR OTHER MATERIALISTIC ITEMS
How about pictures of just your car, motorcycle, boat or any other expensive or materialistic boy toy? Or…even pictures of you standing proudly next to one of them? Are you wanting to hook up with a bunch of gold diggers? I personally could care less what expensive boy toy(s) you own because the toys don’t make you any more desirable if you you’re a loser with a sucky personality.
Are you one of those guys that has a hat on in every photo or sunglasses or you never smile in your photos? You’re likely bald and are still in denial. You surely look better with your sunglasses on and couldn’t get a fish without them. Your teeth are likely rotting, have already rotted or you have such a screwed up smile that it’d shy someone away from you.
AGAIN…Girls…just as guys…are visual people! We want a dude who takes care of himself and need those photos to validate you do!
So the photos are funny with the items above residing in 90% of the profiles I’ve seen. So let’s move to the Description section of the profile. This is where I get to learn all about you and decide whether or not, in conjunction with your photos, I have any desire to reach out to you or respond to you!
NO DRAMA, DRAMA-FREE
You say you want a woman who is drama free or that you want no drama in your life, but when I meet you, you are the one with the friggin’ drama! A recent study showed that those who say they don’t want drama in their life, actually do and funny enough…create it themselves and are, thereby, culprits of creating their own misery.
Trust me, your picture will clearly indicate how much fitness activity you have in your life. This, just as the ink master above has it’s limitations. If that’s all you do, there’s a reason you are single. I like to be in shape just as the next person but if you have no other interests, have no time because you are at the gym for hours at a time or multiple times a day or have such a restricted diet that we can’t even enjoy a meal together…then enough is enough!
Really? So you say you’re just looking for friendship, then why when we start to chat all you want is more pictures…preferably full body shots with as little clothing as possible? Better yet, we exchange numbers and you call me at 1 a.m. and ask to stop by. Do you really think that you can just stop on by for our first social encounter…really? Trust me, that’s NOT gonna happen. If you want a FWB, then state that…don’t hide behind wanting to just hang out like you would your buddies! And don’t think I’m stupid enough to let you in my house before I’ve ever met you in a public place; you’re likely a FREAK!
That really gives you a good perspective of what you’ll find with online dating. Every once in a while you’ll find that needle in the haystack but do you know how many strands of hay you have to sift through to find that needle!? If you want to make your friends your enemies, recommend they “go online” to find a companion!
Anyone who knows me knows I’m no stranger to online dating sites. I’ve been on one for a number of years on and off since I’m social-friendly, tech-savvy, and like to expand my horizons beyond the usual hook-ups at bars, friends of friends, random church visits, and friendly cell-phone hook-ups. Also, anyone who knows me knows I like to seek out truths no matter how hurtful they may be to either myself or the sought-after party. Therefore, writing this blog is a necessary evil as far as online dating site profiles go.
It may be regional but living out in the South West has introduced me to some great new adventures. Traveling to Las Vegas, photographing scenic and desert landscapes, hiking mountains, and running into some of the friendliest people in the country are some of the perks. But online? Yeah, that’s where it gets interesting. I can only record this from a man’s perspective but it seems that women online, in the South West at least, seem to be in their own world. let me list them below.
Yeah, the big gurls seem to have overpopulated the online community. What’s crazy is most of them don’t see themselves as “fat”. I’m talking Adele-type women. Mo’Nique-shaped walruses are rummaging through online dating sites at an alarming rate stampeding through slim, muscular, and slender men’s profiles lukeh puh nub! I’m like this: Why don’t fat chicks just look for fat men?
Even worse is at their sizes, they’ve messed up the scale. Remember when women the size of Jennifer Lopez in her Fly Girl days were considered “thick”? Now, women the size of Queen Latifah are claiming that title. Since when? Who moved the scale? If you run out of breath climbing stairs, I’m sorry but you’re probably fat. If you rock back and forth to get off the couch, you’re probably fat. Don’t try to mark “A few extra pounds” or “Average” in your profile when “BBW” or “Overweight” is an option. Just saying…
Look…I understand you may have made some dumb choices when you were younger. But there’s no need to keep making them in your older age. Tattoos are never going to make you look classier and when you start making your body look like a graffiti artists’s wet dream with random thoughts marked on your body, why would you actually wanna show them off? You put on a silk, backless dress on in your profile pix and that skull on your chest kinda stands out. Then you’re pissed ’cause your “eyes are up here”. Yeah, but that dumb-ass tattoo is down there.
That Halle Berry elegance doesn’t show on tattoo chicks. So, avoid them since they obviously make bad decisions and have shitty body image confidence considering they feel the need to mark themselves up looking like an 8th-grader’s composition book.
Shaved Eyebrows, Lip-Liners, and Hot Messes
Aight…there’s no real category here. Just a lot of bullshit. It seems some women don’t like their eyebrows so they feel they could do better than what God could do. Enter the Venus razor. Ladies..WTF?! Why do you think that drawing in your eyebrows after shaving them off is a good look? Who told you that? Do you know who else does that? Ronald McDonald! You don’t look good. You look like a damn clown and when I see you, you better be handing out Big Macs. Some have the nerve to actually act as if they’re the best-looking on the block with a mad-face etched over their eyes.
And oh! Let’s add insult to injury and pop in some eyeliner around your lips to give the appearance of fuller lips. Oh yeah..you fooled me! Do you realize that after a while, you’ll have to Neutrogena your face off and what’s left is some of the scariest shit known to human population? A blank stare, no eyebrows, little lips, and probably a rash! Why are so many online?
No Drama and Much Fun
Okay! Why do so many women state that they’re so much fun to be around and they hate drama? How many people LOVE drama in their lives and make it a point that they aren’t any fun? What else? Oh…they also hate cheaters, fake people, and know how to “keep it real”. Especially with their fake lashes, fake boobs, fake ass, fake mask made out of cosmetics, and twirling their weave. Oh…but they keep it real! GTFOHWTBS!
Camera Phone Pic Angles & Mirrors
Hey guess what? Just because you lift your phone way above your head, look up, and snap a shot doesn’t mean you’re fooling me with your gut and small tits. I know that angled shot. You’re trying to make your figure slimmer and your boobs bigger while you make some stupid duck-mouthed expression. You look like a moron. Why not take a photo of yourself head-on or something with a good camera with a timer? I’m not impressed. In fact, why not take the picture from below instead? Scared your chubby gut will stand out instead? Yeah, I figured as much.
And what’s up with the mirror shots over and over? I can barely see you since your iPhone’s Apple logo is more prominent than your face is. Maybe I should thank Apple in some of the cases. But jeez…really? Have you all run out of originality so much that you never took the time to seek out an app that has say… a TIMER on it!?! There’s a grand and original thought! There’s an app for that. Use it!
Why do women always put “looking for a relationship”? And they judge every man based on that belief. They are willing to bypass friendship because they’re on the hunt specifically for husband material. On a first date, a Long-Time Relationship-hunter will judge that man and see only his flaws. However, how many people do you know where you had to spend a significant amount of time with them before realizing how great they are? First dates will never determine what the future holds. Try putting “Friends First” somewhere and move from there. Desperation bleeds from those dying to find a significant other.
Cut Off Photos
Why do you have photos up that include cut-off shoulders, ears, necks and you’re in the far right or left of the pic? It’s 2012. You have access to cheap cameras with inexpensive SD cards. Almost all cellphones have cameras on them. iPads, tablets, laptops, iMacs, netbooks, whatever is at your disposal and you’re digging up photos of yourself with your exes, yet have enough savvy to open up your photo editor and chop 98% of them out? You’re an idiot. Take a new photo of yourself and call it a day! It takes a whole 4 seconds you lazy jackass! What’s wrong with people?
Hotter Friends and Family Members
Food for thought. Don’t post up photos of yourself in a group setting with your friends. They’re usually hotter than you and by comparison, you look like a gift to “The Wing Man”. It sucks but I’m here for the truth. When you do that, our eyes gravitate to the hottest woman in the photo. It’s probably not you since your hot friend isn’t online and has sex with multiple men on Thursdays. You, however want to feel pretty so you hang with pretty people. That’s cool on Wednesdays. But online profiles should have you with ugly people in a group or your dog. So, when we compare, you’ll look like the grand prize…not the consolation prize.
You Can’t Spell, Dammit!
What ever happened to the English language? People continuously are writing worse and worse. Now, women are writing their profile essays in text. Text! “Hey! Im da type 2 hang w/da fellaz. U wanna B my frnd 2?” Imagine how she speaks. She probably speaks the same way she writes. Then you look at the education and it’s highest is High School. It kinda clarifies things but still…how ridiculous is it that women are trying to attract men with that type of writing. Good thing they only get the lowest common denominator. Their kids will probably bang on the keyboard hoping words will form. Dolts!
Women always post “I’m not looking for a hook-up so if that’s what you want, go to the next woman.” These women are usually the ones who have sex on the first date. Don’t believe them. You want sex like everyone else but are afraid of being tagged a “slut” or “whore”. Guess what? Guys do it so why shouldn’t you? You’re not fooling anyone trying to make us believe you want someone just like Jesus Christ. Bullshit! You want a man who will blow your back out and leave you in ruins. Stop lying.
Your Damn Kids
It seems that 95% of women 28 and older online have a minimum of two kids. It’s as if they were in their fantasy land in their teens and when they reached 21, they found that special someone! So, they married, got pregnant, had kids, hated their husband, divorced, are used and abused and NOWWWW, they’re ready to be serious with a guy…except this time, with baggage. And what do they do with that extra extension of their exes? They take pix and post them on their profiles as if a guy looking to date is happy to have two more strangers in the future calling them “daddy”. Mothafucka, please! Find someone with kids also so you can both struggle with planning a romantic getaway for 2 hours.
In conclusion, the online environment is a study in human psychology. I’ve actually found some great friends through the process as well as lovers and even girlfriends. But do everyone a favor and state the truth, ladies. Stop looking drag-queen-crazy in your photos, fire-breathing desperation in your words, and please…actually make moves to improve your life so your future significant other finds you more attractive than what you put out there. Honesty is sexy, ladies. Your reality masked in fantasy will eventually be revealed someday. But hey, don’t believe me. Believe the douche bags you keep attracting since your methods are obviously working. Ha!