Name: Nicole Scherzinger

Status: Pussy….catdoll

Occupation: Singer

Why?: For the life of me, I could never say Nicole’s last name. I guess it didn’t matter since her new name would be Nicole Zodiac anyway. I remember when the Pussy Cat Dolls came out and I knew it was a gimmick but the lead singer was so ridiculously hot, I had to know more. So, they released that song about us wishing our girlfriends were hot like her. I thought the song was a parody or something until it climbed the charts. Oh shit! The Death of Music! But Gaaddd DAMN the lead was hot! Forward all of these years later…and guess what? Nicole’s a judge on some show, got some new titties and is STILL HOT! Oh yeah…Nicole would get smashed through the wall-style! Then pinned down until the earth stopped. Thor and his hammer wouldn’t dent me or budge at that point. Nicole…call me. …my lady, She-Hulk will just have to understand.

Name: Minka Kelly

Status: Jeter’s Former Meatbeater

Occupation: Actress

Why?: I was watching this movie I snatched called “The Roommate”. The story was done before (hello,..Single White Female? Anyone? Beuller?). But the lead chick was freakin’ DOPE! I couldn’t stop just looking at her despite the silly film. I looked her up and found that Derek Jeter (of course) was smashing and before marriage, tossed her to the side and wrote her name on his wall with 4 stars next to it. Derek knows about smashing in real life so he gets props. Minka needs to be on my list asap. She’s now doing a dumb soon-to-be-canceled remake of “Charlie’s Angels” so she’ll be out of a job soon. When she does, I can cape for her and give her the Hulk for a few weeks till she’s back on her feet. So, Minka,..the offer is here for you. Thanks for tossing her back to us, Derek.

Name: Jillian Michaels

Status: Pumping Wood..and Iron!

Occupation: Fitness Guru

Why?: Ahh..Jillian! Go Daddy girl! Fitness guru… What more can you want from a woman? Keeps her body tight and can get you free domain names! I’m down! Her face is sometimes on and sometimes off so she barely made the list. But when she’s “on”, she’s pretty damn hot. Flat stomach, abs, and stays active. I’m sure with that much energy, she’s give The Hulk a run for his money in the bedroom. But that wouldn’t deter me from trying to cripple her and keep her wheelchair bound. Yeah, Jillian! Try to keep up now! I’d hulk her in her chair and turn that energy level down a few notches giving me the advantage…. But I digress. Gammas down, man. Gammas down!

Name: Draya Michele

Status: Bad Parent, Hulk Smash

Occupation: Model/Reality Broad

Why?: Have you EVER looked up photos of Draya? Good God! This chick is physically damn near flawless! Chest? Hot, Butt? Hot! hips? Hot..Face? Perfect. Attitude? Sucks! Parenting Skills? Trash. Chris Brown smashed at one time so Breezy is a lucky bastard. I’m sure he couldn’t Hulk Smash and got enough weight in him to MAYBE Bruce-Smash. But I’d put that Green on Draya! She’s some Basketball Wives co-star or something…I don’t know. I saw her on TV and waited for her name to look her up. Then I found she got arrested for neglecting her kid or something while she was out doing something stupid. Whatever. My goal wouldn’t be to have a kid with her. Nah…that would be a negative, doctor. She’s made to look good and smash. ..then go home. Nothing more, nothing less. Sorry Draya…but you know that’s the truth. *shrug*

The Human Centipede II (Full Sequence) (2011)

Well…This was a nice little ditty brought to you from the good folks from the Six team who, of course, brought to you the original Human Centipede movie.  Now, that flick, I thought fell short on the violence and graphic physical terror it’s reputation holds.  But this one?  Yeah…they really brought the sickness and turmoil to the screen along with some great effects that changed the whole mood of the film.

In this Part 2 flick, a short, bug-eyed, turtle-looking something named Martin lives with his verbally (and potentially murderous) mother.  He sees a prostitute-boning shrink who looks like a hippified Hasidic  Rabbi and drowns his every last minute obsessing over his favorite flick, The Human Centipede.  So, what’s a security guard hobbit supposed to do in this situation?  Ahh!  Top the flick in question by building his own 12-person Human Centipede but with the caveat of having the original actress from the flick as the front-piece.

This film is shot in black and white and barely has any dialogue.  Martin doesn’t say shit throughout the film.  He grunts and spits but that’s about it.  He’s no surgeon so all of the blood and violence lacking in the first one is definitely filled in droves in this movie. Ha!  And if you don’t know what a Human Centipede is, it’s when you stitch people from mouth-to-anus and feed the first one so it craps to the next person, etc. until the last person shits.  Not the best commercial for Orbit gum but it’ll do.

Martin tops the last flick by injecting each person with laxatives.  Haha.  The hilarity ensues!  Check the flick out when you can.  But if you’re queasy at stuff like blood, shit, piss, and vomit, then you better stay away and wait for Happy Feet 2.

The Woman (2011)

I learned later that this movie is a prequel to some trash called “The Offspring”. I didn’t see that bullshit yet so I don’t know about the tie-ins. But here’s the summary: a really strange family led by the even stranger father live out in the woods somewhere with a large property. Well, the sadist-ass father, submissive and beat down mother, reclusive older daughter, spry younger daughter and asshole middle child son seem to live in an out-of-tune harmony together. Father slaps mom when she speaks out with a pimp hand so strong, it’s almost as if his hand does it before his brain thought about it.

Dad goes out to hunt some game and after failing, stumbles on a filthy, yet very well-shaped wild woman of the woods as she’s bathing. He looks like he has a plan to give her the hammer. So the following day, he captures her and locks her wild assign the cellar. He plans on domesticating her with violence and torture and brings his family in on the action. Yeah…this will go smoothly. The son tortures her and want a to sneak some titties as she’s helplessly tied up. The daughter feels badly and although mom does too, she does nothing. The Woman remembers this weakness later and cashes in…after dad gives the wife a couple of Bat-Man thwacks and bops of course. Dad’s also not above rape or murder in between client meetings at the law office.

All this shit goes on and then The Woman, who has been tortured, raped, starved, ignored, kidnapped, and pissed-off is freed! Ahhhhhh shit!!! Hahaha! The story isn’t all of that bit you can not wait long enough for the dad and son to get theirs. But on the real…do wild women of the woods have bodies like that?! Nothing a little Scope, soap, and Mach 3 razor won’t cure. Sheeeyyyiitt!!

I Saw The Devil (2010)

Where do I begin? I watched this flick at the request of fellow movie buff, Che Broadway and the cosign of my sister. I owe them both a round of drinks. This is how a movie needs to be made. Hollywood needs to take notes and stop making fluff pieces and dig into their demonic souls like the Koreans know how to do.

What would you do if someone killed your fiancée and you were helpless to stop it but found out later who the jackass was who did it? Yeah! That’s what happened. The hunter became the victim. Fiancé cat hunted down the killer and performed brutal physical acts of torture to that ass but let him live…and then hunted him down again! Ha! But then….the killer finds his weakness and enacts his own revenge. Blood, guts, and ruthless beat downs and dismemberments makes this flick a must-see. Unless you’re more of the panty waste ladyboy who would rather watch the latest rom-com next to an empty box of Kleenex.

Koreans know how to stretch the limits in this release. Definitely not for the weak-hearted. It’s like the Asian version of “I Spit on Your Grave ” but with subtitles.

Name: Dania Ramirez

Status: Smash and Repeat

Occupation: Actress

Why?: Good God! Someone posted some modeling pix of this woman and without blinking, I found her pix, and put her on the Hulk Smash list! Stat! It took a while before realizing this Dominican piece of happy pie was the chick in X-Men…the hottie that was putting on our fellow Hulk Smasher, Halle Berry. She was hot then with all of that black leather and those crazy tats. I’d smash her then..AS the Hulk! Marvel, get on this! This chick is straight up dope! Just look at her. If I came home and my lady was She-Hulking Dania on our bed…I wouldn’t blame her one bit.

Savant‘s first music video ever brings the “Crash Course Leak Series” single “Make Your Move” to life in rousing fashion. Presented by OHHLA.com, the Mark Corece/ O3 Productions venture showcases several Chicago locations key to the emcee’s growth both personally and artistically and seamlessly flows in sync with the bouncy, anthemic record.

View the video at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AMgUJ8AonRM

Stream and download the complete song (produced by Luke Vibert and featuring Nora Perez) at http://savantrarebreed.bandcamp.com/track/make-your-move-prod-by-luke-vibert

and

stream some exclusive remixes (courtesy of http://www.monkeyboxing.com/ and http://www.ohhla.com/) at http://soundcloud.com/savantrarebreed