Bereavement (2010)

This movie is very watchable.  We have Reese from Terminator as an uncle to a young, busty brunette who doesn’t know how to leave well-enough alone.  So, Allison moves out with her uncle and his wife and daughter to the middle of nowhere from the middle of Chicago and as usual, there’s an abandoned slaughterhouse nearby.  Of course.  This beautifully deserted, broken-windowed slaughterhouse obviously has been there for a while and is known to have a resident in it, some psycho dude by the name of Sutter or something.  Anyway, this Sutter guy is a recluse (of course) who kidnaps women from what seems like a few miles away, strings them up and does what a good slaughterer does best: slaughters them. Pig style!

Thing is…he’s kidnapped a little boy five years earlier who doesn’t feel pain and raises him by putting a scar on his face and making him observe the slaughter of these women.  Enter Allison…jogging with her big breasts bouncing abundantly alone after high school on a highway road in rural America with her headphones on.  Sure, she almost gets hit by a semi who could give a fuck if she’s in the road or not.  What are brakes for anyway?  Sure, she loves jogging by the abandoned slaughterhouse where she sees a creepy boy in the window and a creepy man in the end of the driveway…just standing there.  But will that stop her from investigating and entering the slaughterhouse on her own…without anyone knowing where she is?  Hell no!

So, of course, as a result of her NOT going home and calling the cops, people die. Dumb ass!  There’s intrigue, blood, slaughter, and bouncy boobs in tight tanktops.  But I have to give it to the writer/director/producer dude.  The cinematography in this movie is gorgeous!  The color in the film is great and even the acting is damn good from most of the cast.  But the next time you feel like jogging, stay way from the abandoned slaughter house where the pale, scar-face little boy lives.  You will probably appreciate it more.

Little Children (2006)

You know what?  This film was damn good!  The premise has been told before but it ran really smoothly.  We had some great performances from the lead guy Patrick Wilson played.  Kate Winslet was actually damn hot in this.  We got to see some butt and boobs and I didn’t realize she was so thick.  She’s get Hulked with the quickness.  I think this was based on a book or something.  According to the book, Winslet’s character was supposed to be short and frumpy but she was anything but.  See, the lead dude was married to Jennifer Connelly (future Smash list member).  She was looking great as usual.  But see, he’s a stay-at-home dad trying to get his lawyer on but can’t since he can never pass the bar exam.

So, he spends most of his time taking his kid to the park where some of the local ladies (including Winslet) stare at him and drool.  Winslet is wonder why the other mothers are such pussies and don’t walk up to him.  So, she ponies up the balls to do that and even gets a kiss from him.  The bitch-ass mothers find this to be abhorrent an shun her.  So, behind her husband’s back and behind his wife’s back, they start to meet up and eventually get their booty-call on!  And they’re smashing all over their houses.

Meanwhile, Winslet’s husband is punching the clown to online porn and sniffing panties and Connelly catches word of her husband’s new friend.  At the dinner table, she can feel Winslet’s tension and knows then and there that they’re smashing.  So, she sics her mom on him to chaperone him everywhere.  He manages to escape for a weekend with Winslet and plans to run away from her.  While all of this is happening, the dude who played newFreddy Krueger and that face-changing-mask dude in Watchmen is a child molester out of jail and living with his mom.  He goes through his own shit and the worlds between the dude, Winslet and the molester collide indirectly a couple of times.

I liked this movie. It showed some realistic views of mid-life crisis, marriage woes, parenting, smash techniques, and some pretty good tension.  I can dig it.  Don’t see this while in a new relationship.  You’ll be looking forward to meeting some hot housewife that isn’t wearing your matching wedding ring.

Paranormal Activity 3 (2011)

Y’know..?  This would’ve been a lot better had it not done something pretty crucial…be made!  WTF?!  I like the other two Paranormal Activities and of course, you need a prequel, so here it is.  Big problem, though was the fact that the damn TRAILER had a series of items in it that never made the theatrical release!  Think about it… the trailer that’s shown on TV has several scenes in it that you won’t see in the movie.  Someone at the studio actually sat there and said “I have a great idea!  Let’s film things for the trailer and put out a movie that doesn’t even show that shit!”  Dolts!

This movie shows the story of two sisters whose names I don’t even remember and how the younger one had a mysterious demon friend named Toby who was conjured up by a cult or something.  Whatever.  The trailer where the girls were playing “Bloody Mary” never made the film.  Instead, they had a moron with a video camera play with her instead and then all hell breaks loose.  Not as creepy as the commercial.  They DID have some good creepy things going on but it jumped the shark when it turned all Rosemary’s Baby at the end. I won’t give it away but we got some obvious violence.

I just wanna know why in the hell it took SOOOO long for them to finally leave the house?!  Toby was wreaking shop on FILM and didn’t give a shit.  Mom was in crazy denial and the husband was a tool for not making her watch the footage.  The babysitter went through that shit ONCE and said “Fuck this!”  She was the only smart one in the film.  Even the dude’s friend who was doing the Bloody Mary game with the kid took too damn long to leave.  At first, he was all for it.  “Hey dude…record that.  You have to.”  Yeah, sure…then when he watched the kids and Toby fucked him up a bit, THEEENNN it was all about “I’m outta here! Stop filming and leave”.  Yeah.. Kiss my ass.

Watch Paranormal Activity and Paranormal Activity 2 for some good scares. This one had Fonzie in the water on the surfboard in his leather jacket and…well…you know what he did then.

Name: Alyssa Milano

Status: Black Magic

Occupation: Actress

Why?: I’ve wanted this chick since she was in Commando. Yeah, it sounds perverted since she was 8 but you know what? So was I! Let’s raise up to Who’s the Fuckin’ Boss?! Still wanted to give it to this Italian beauty. Then comes Charmed and more crap! Still wanted her. Remember when she was down on her luck and kissing lesbian vampires? Yeah…I wanted her even more then. Alyssa has kept her looks up this whole time and hasn’t slipped yet. You’re a moron if you wouldn’t sport her on your arm and then sport her face into the bed’s headboard! Blawww!!

Wrong Turn 4: Bloody Beginnings (2011)

I swear…Some people are just dumb as all hell in the beloved Horror genre.  Why?  Why can’t common sense just avoid me from squirming in my seat from frustration of obviously wrong decisions?!  Ohhh, the humanity!  This brings us to the 4th install ment of the Wrong Turn franchise.  Let’s see what it has going for it:  We have a very incredibly hot lesbian couple. One Asian and one Black.  Then to start off the movie, they’re both having sex pretty explicitly…WIN!  The sista, Tenika Davis, will have to be on a future Hulk Smash listing.

Moving along…We also have a couple of women who think they know better: one is a “strong skier” and the other is a damn know-it-all.  The rest are douche bag dudes who need to get killed ASAP.  The setting: an abandoned sanatorium where years earlier, multiple murders occurred during a psycho uprising started by 3 deformed and unusually strong West Virginian inbred brothers.  Yeah…these are the same brothers who wind up killing in the Wrong Turn flicks…”Bloody Beginnings”?  Exactly…another prequel.

What happens?  People make DUMB decisions and get themselves wiped the FUCK out!  There’s a dude with a freakin’ Justin Bieber haircut that you’re DYING to get slaughtered just for his hairdo.  After that, and witnessing their friends getting killed and eaten, one jackass (the heroine), actually stops another from killing the brothers after trapping them. Why?  ‘Cause then..they’d be just..like..them…and they couldn’t have that.  They paid the price in spades.  Good for you!

Too bad the lesbians had to catch wreck…and as for the strong skier who took off to get help?  I guess somehow, the sanatorium must’ve been 3000 miles away from NOWHERE!!  Idiots…and idiotic movie.  I’ll give the 2 stars for the hot lesbians having sex.

Name: Aishwarya Rai

Status: Bollywood Gamma

Occupation: Actress

Why?: Hey,…I’m not really sure about the films this woman has appeared in nor do I really care. All I know is that she’s been in a shit-load of movies, is hot, and would be a recipient of the Smash Hammer! I’ve seen a lot of Indian women who would get hulked and yet there have a been a grip that would get the Peyton Manning pass with the quickness. But Aishwarya (whose name I couldn’t pronounce nor spell without looking at a reference) would get punished on critical Gamma-mass levels. She’s been referred to as “The Most Beautiful woman in the world”. Let’s see how beautiful she looks after 3 rounds Zodi body splashes! Bolly enough for you Aish?

It’s finally here!  Zetacide Vol. 2: Hear No Evil!  The Zodiac’s result of 3 months of weekly recordings during his One Song per Week for a Year is ready for download.  Be sure to grab yours and spread the word using Twitter with the hash tag #FreeMusic and the link http://zodi.me/zetacide2.

This release features production by Doc Cause and ENT Beatz as well as a guest appearance by Shauno Brigante!

Enjoy your copy and comment anywhere you see fit: Facebook, RT Twitter, or on the official website.  Thanks for your support!

Download: http://zodi.me/zetacide2

On October 15, you’ll be able to download the 2nd Zetacide album by The Zodiac. Featuring 14 songs with a guest feature by Shauno and production by ENTBEatz and Doc Cause, you won’t be disappointed.

You can still download Zetacide Vol. 1: See No Evil for free from The Zodiac’s website. Spread the word!  Retweet, email, forward, and share!