Name: Stacy London

Status: Makeover Bendover

Occupation: Actress

Why?:I don’t know why…but every time I’d see those Pantene commercials, this half Jewish/half Italian woman with a grey streak in her black hair would make me stop and notice. There’s something about her that’s appealing so I looked her up. Seems she’s on some show about makeovers and is a stylist of sorts to celebrities. It worked enough to get endorsement deals from all sorts of places. Not bad for a bad-ass slam-piece who would look better in my bed than on TV. Stacy, I know you’re reading this. You have Hulk Smash all over your body and I’m the one to rip you out of your clothes. I’m sure once you’re naked, I’d just stand there, get bigger and rip out of my own clothes automatically. Hm…maybe this post should’ve been marked “Private: for Stacy London only”. Ha! Bad ass woman.

I would like to personally announce the FIRST Zodiac Model of the Month to Natalie LaRon.

Visit her page at: http://www.thezodiac.net/models/natalie-laron for her bio, photos, and links!

If you are a model or know someone who is and would like to submit your photos and information for the next Model of the Month, then visit: http://www.zodiacmodels.com for information and submissions.

Name: Meagan Good

Status: Bad!

Occupation: Actress

Why?: Meagan Good would get the Thor Hammer on top of Hulk Smash if God blessed me enough to give me a chance in something as simple as a dark alley with her. Although that didn’t sound quite right, just know Meagan Good is one baaaaaaad motha(shut your mouth). I’m talking about Meagan Good. Hell…Even God knew she’s be smokin’ hot by giving her surname. He knew! And now I know. I think I noticed her in “3 Strikes” first but she was in wack movies too much for me to follow her career. But thank God I love horror flicks…and apparently my brown goddess does too ’cause she found me again when I saw “One Missed Call” and “Saw V” where her blood looked good enough to taste. Damn her! I looked for a flaw and couldn’t see it. I think she smokes, though so she got a lot of points taken off for that. But physically, she’s perfect. Maybe her kitty stinks or something. She’s too perfect…something has to be wrong. But until then, Meagan,…the Zodiac would be graciously honored to allow you to spread your legs and endure the smashing of the Hulk.

Yeah, sure you’ve seen the crazy mugshots some people wind up taking and it’s a shame. I mean, why do people look like crap when they get busted? I’m sure getting tossed in the drunk tank or perp-walking sucks but at least take a good photo. Here are a few celebs who were prepared for their street cred with good-looks and/or a winning smile.

Chris Tucker  Comedian Chris Tucker was arrested in April 2005 and charged with reckless driving and fleeing to elude after he did not immediately pull over his speeding 2005 Bentley. Tucker, 33, spent about 30 minutes in a McDuffie County lockup before posting cash bond and being released. According to cops, the ‘Rush Hour’ star, an Atlanta native, was doing 109 mph on Interstate 20 when clocked by state troopers. Editor’s Note: Chris got that “hurry up and take the damn picture” look while wearing his windsor-knotted tie under a standard D.O.C. orange jumpsuit giving him that stylish criminal look.

Kimora Lee Simmons   Kimora Lee Simmons, the wife of music power Russell Simmons, was arrested in July 2004 and charged with marijuana possession and a variety of vehicular infractions following a traffic stop near her New Jersey estate. Saddle River police said Simmons, driving a Mercedes-Benz coupe, repeatedly ignored their directions to pull her car over as they followed in a cruiser with its lights flashing. Editor’s Note: I had a chance to converse with Kimora Lee once.  She came up and started talking my ear off.  Nice lady and takes a nicer mugshot with her pearly whites shining through contrasting her green tee looking fabulous for the camera.  Mugshots were made for Kimora.

Floyd Mayweather, Jr.  Mayweather has been charged with one count of Grand Larceny. He was booked in to the Clark County Detention Center following his arrest and posted the $3000.00 bail shortly after. Editor’s Note: Floyd knows his smile will get the ladies motivated and never loses an opportunity.  Walking the perp-walk cat-walk in his new-age black and white-striped shirt, he gives criminals a new reason to get in style.

Steve-O  On July 31, 2002, Steve-O was arrested in Los Angeles on obscenity and assault charges for performing his now infamous stunt, The Butterfly (in which he staples his scrotum to his leg) at the Abyss, a nightclub in Houma, Louisiana, and for being a principal to a second-degree battery, both of which occurred at the nightclub on July 11, 2002. After posting a $150,000 bond in the Los Angeles court system, he was allowed to return to Louisiana where he turned himself in to the local authorities. Editor’s Note: Steve may have that “Oh shit, I’m really a jack-ass” look but he knows that taking a good mugshot photo in a suit counts for something.  Take note, future nut-staplers.  When your pic is on the news, look good for the camera.  Side note:  Steve-O shares my birthday.

Frank Sinatra  In 1938, a 23-year-old Frank Sinatra was arrested in Bergen County, N.J. on charges of seduction and adultery. According to the FBI reports, “On the second and ninth days of November 1938 at the Borough of Lodi” and “under the promise of marriage” Sinatra “did then and there have sexual intercourse with the said complainant, who was then and there a single female of good repute.” This, the charge stated, was “contrary and in violation of the revised statute of 1937.” The charges were later dismissed when it was determined that the woman involved was married.” Editor’s Note: Think Frank didn’t know his suit and cool hairstyle would come in handy?  Look at that fashion!  New Jersey was obviously good to old Blue Eyes as he knew at a young age that prison numbers go well with a nice black & white-specific photographer.

Shia LaBeouf   Shia LaBeouf was arrested in November 2007 after he refused to leave a Chicago Walgreens. The 21-year-old LaBeouf, who appeared to be intoxicated, was popped after he ignored a security guard’s demand to leave the drugstore. The actor, pictured above in a Chicago Police Department mug shot, was hit with a misdemeanor criminal trespassing charge. Editor’s Note: Sure…Shia may not be as fashionable as the others but look at that winning smile. Even with that glazed look in his drunken eyes, you know Shia pulled out his only weapon to ratify the situation: his teeth!

Kiefer Sutherland  This Kiefer Sutherland mug shot was snapped by the Gelndale Police Department in December 2007 after the actor surrendered to serve a 48-day jail sentence. Sutherland, 40, pled no contest in October to driving while over the legal limit of .08. It was the second time in three years that the star of ’24′ was busted for DUI. Editor’s Note: Kiefer’s look screams “I’m really Jack Bauer” but we know he’s not.  I ran into Kiefer a bunch of years back in a bathroom at the Mondrian Hotel in LA.  He was drunk then too while pissin’ next to me and cracking jokes.  Dude was lit and acting like we were buddies.  I bounced!  But he cleans up nicely since then.

Scottie Pippen  Houston police busted basketball star Scottie Pippen in April 1999 and charged him with drunk driving. Cops pulled over the six-time NBA champ’s Mercedes after seeing him use an oncoming lane to pass cars stopped at a red light. Pippen, who was playing for the Rockets at the time, failed a field sobriety test and refused to take a Breathalyzer. Harris County prosecutors subsequently dismissed the misdemeanor charge. Editor’s Note: Think Scottie gives a single fuck in this pic?  No he doesn’t.  He knows that the camera man struggled to raise the camera up to his height and by the time the flash went off, Scottie was ready for his well-suited posturing.  Earring in tow, Scottie showed the fans that stylists weren’t needed that day.

Lindsay Lohan  Lindsay Lohan posed for the above Los Angeles County Sheriff’s Department mug shot in July 2010 after being booked into the Lynwood Correctional Facility. The actress, 24, was ordered to serve three months in jail after a judge determined that she violated the terms of the probation she was put on following two 2007 DUI arrests. Editor’s Note: Lindsay’s a bum.  But she knows how to take a good mugshot with nothing more than some D.O.C. county oranges and a good comb.  I’m sure this isn’t her last one so let’s keep our eyes open to see if she improves on her fashion sense.

Paris Hilton  Paris Hilton was booked into a Los Angeles jail in June 2007 after violating terms of a probation sentence imposed following a drunk driving plea. In January, weeks after pleading no contest to a reckless driving charge, the 26-year-old Hilton was cited for driving with a suspended license. After signing a document acknowledging she was not to drive, Hilton was pulled over by cops in February and charged with a probation violation. As a result, she was sentenced to 45 days in jail. Hilton posed for the above left mug shot after her September 2006 arrest. The second booking photo was taken when she surrendered to the Los Angeles Sheriff’s Department to begin her brief sentence. Editor’s Note: Paris Hilton is famous for no reason.  But she’s now famous for knowing how to pose for a police camrea.  Hair pulled to the side and with a sultry look and half-smile, Paris was trying to woo the camera dude.  Her mugshot looks like a headshot.

Michelle Rodriguez  Former ‘Lost’ star Michelle Rodriguez was booked into a Los Angeles County jail in December 2007 to begin a six-month sentence for failing to complete her community service and alcohol monitoring that was ordered as part of her probation from a drunk driving arrest. Rodriguez, 29, admitted violating her probation by failing to provide proof of community service and by drinking alcohol while wearing a monitoring device. Editor’s Note: Michelle probably rolled into that prison with her “Fight Girl” persona.  Or…is Fight Girl actually Michelle Rodriguez persona?  Either way, she’s got her country Greens on looking like scrubs and with that half-cocked smile and confident look, she’s ready for her stylists to add lipstick and she’s gooood!

The Zodiac is accepting applications for Models to submit photos and info for Zodiac’s Model of the Month.  If you or someone you know (who is female) models and would like to participate, then visit http://www.zodiacmodels.com and fill out the form and submit the photos.

The 5 chosen submissions will battle it out for most of the month via total number of Facebook “Likes” on each of their Zodiac Model pages.  Whoever accumulates the most “Likes” will win Model of the Month the following month.  The first Model will be announced June 1.

If you want to get involved, simply fill out the form and 4 photos.  The 5 selected models to compete for June will be notified.

Prize:? A rotating banner on The Zodiac website for 12 months and posts to your page via. Twitter, Facebook, Tumblr, Google Buzz and more!  You’ll get much more exposure and it’s all in good fun!

Good luck!

Register:
http://www.zodiacmodels.com

Name: Paula Patton

Status: Robin Thicke sucks!

Occupation: Actress

Why?: Robin Thicke is smart. He saw Paula, gave her some game (probably sang to her) and POSSIBLY Spider-man-smashed her! Maybe Nick Fury-smashed her….but he DAMN sure didn’t Hulk Smash her! He did enough to get her pregnant, though. If she ever feels like cheating on dude, I’ll pretend she’s Abomination just so I’d have to get enough strength to pull out the deepest gamma rays in my soul and smash her Hulk-Style! I’m talking about Stan Lee would need to do a re-write of the character. This woman got my attention in that Denzel flick, Deja Vu and had me hooked. She was Law and Order: SVU for about 10 minutes before pulling out to do some other stuff. I thought I had it made until I read she bounced. Jeez Paula…you play hard-to-get!

Next time you check her out, just realize she’s on The Zodiac’s radar. Get Ed Norton and Eric Bana on the phone. I’ll show them how to play the part to perfection.

Name: Zhang Ziyi

Status: Flying Dagger Badness!

Occupation: Actress

Why?: My slim ladies are on point! Yeah, I like ‘em a little thick too but the slimmies always catch my eye. You add in a hot face and I’m staring at you like a stalker singing “Every Breath You Take”. That introduces us to the blazing hot, Zhang Ziyi… This chick is too cute! You’ve seen her kick much ass in movies like “Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon” and “Rush Hour 2″. It was in Rush Hour 2 where I wanted to play Captain-Save-A-Chinese-Woman-About-To-Blow-Every-One-Up and bend her over for her daily smashing of Hulk. I don’t know how much English she actual speaks but I tell you…smashing has no language barrier.

Did you see her on that movie poster for “Geisha”? I’d have that makeup smeared so much on my own face, we’d both look like mimes. I’m always keeping my eyes out for Zhang so anyone who also wants to give her some of that gamma-love, let me know. I’ll work something out…after I’m done, though.

Name: Charlize Theron

Status: Hand Cock Blonde

Occupation: Actress

Why?: Anyone knows that if a blonde penetrates through The Zodiac’s ocular forcefield, she’s gotta be one blazing-ass chick! Face has to be on point! Well, Charlize Theron did more than that to earn a spot on the Hulk Smash stage. You see…I remember seeing this South African broad in a commercial for “Mighty Joe Young” (gotta love that name) and was instantly caught with my corpuscles mixing in my bloodstream causing my eyes to turn green with Hulk-smash madness! Since then, I’ve seen her grow in Hollywood into an almost flawless piece of nani.

Even Will Smith fell for her in Hancock. Hell, I watched that flick knowing Charlize would be wearing some tight black leathery outfit. And what about that commercial she’s in where she’s taking her clothes off ’cause of some perfume? Sheeeyiiittt! If I saw her blonde ass running on me like that, I’d open my arms to the Gods and my clothes would peel off from osmosis. No doubt. Smash! Damn you, woman… SMASH!!

Yes!  It’s been a long time putting this project together but it’s all set and for sale all over the ‘net for download in MP3 format.  ZODIOLOGIST is now for sale on iTunes, Amazon, CDBaby, and more!  This release features vocals from Ché Broadway, Shauno, and Barf Brookz as well as extra production from soce the elemental wizard!  Visit http://www.zodiologist.com for the same links as well as a tracklisting.  You’ll soon be able to purchase it straight from The Zodiac website as well.

This CD took three years to complete and early on, Shauno came through to record “Leave ‘Em In the Dust” in Las Vegas.  Two years later, a video was made in Phoenix.  “Rock Diesel” actually was the final song and took one year to produce.  Ché Broadway, Barf Brookz, and Shauno came in to complete the rock-laced track to give a hard sound to the project.  “This Is Bullshit” was inspired by Kristen Burkhart as she kept saying the term whenever we hung out.  I switched it up to make it political.  Soce the elemental wizard gave a track to me to record on and he finally heard the complete version over a year later although the song was 99% complete a few weeks after I received it.  Remakes of “Leave Me Alone” and “Increase & Release” gave them harder edges and in “Increase”, Barf Brooks’ original guitar rift was lifted ’cause no one can replace that clean sound.

“Here We Go” leads off to a triumphant project and “Who Knows?” ends it with the listeners in deeper thought.  The rest of ZODIOLOGIST will simply make you think and feel as well as nod your head to beat-knockin’ approval!  Download yours from one of the fine stores listed above or from the Zodiac site soon!  “Like” this and share it with your friends.

Name: Zoe Saldana

Status: Na’vi Slam’pi Ece

Occupation: Actress

Why?: You know..we’ve Zoe grow from a young cutie to a Hulk-smashable unit in a few years. You have to be proud of the woman. I first met her at a movie starring Nelly called “Snipes”. The director hired me to design the movie website and poster at the time. He should’ve hired me to give Zoe the casting call on the casting couch. The hammer would know no bounds with this woman. I like ‘em skinny, exotic, dark hair, etc. And Zoe fits the bill.

Hell, when she was a digital form of her self in Avatar with sharp-ass teeth, pointy ears and standing 12 feet tall with big yellow eyes and blue skin, I sat in the theater thinking “I’d give her the Hu’lk smash with green on blue skin-type tactics”. Lou Ferrigno would have to referee ’cause my moves would rival WWE top-rope mattress acrobatic. Next time she’s on a pirate ship or on a space ship, remember this…Zoe needs to get on The Zodiac ship. Next stop, cloud 9! Word!