I’ve been divorced now for just about 18 months after 17 years of marriage. Obviously “dating” was going to take me back to my teenage years with one exception, that was over 20 years ago and if you hadn’t noticed, the world has changed significantly since then (I’ll leave it at that as to avoid over aging myself!).
Friends kept encouraging to “get out there and meet someone”. While that sounds simple enough, it’s really more challenging than one would think when you’re “older”. Their solution: get online, do some online dating. I blew it off and didn’t give it much thought; after all I was really just finding me again and who I really was and wanted. After many months of soul searching and non-stop poking, prodding, nagging, encouragement and a break up from a brief relationship, I took the plunge. And…what a plunge it was.
I’ve been on the site since mid March (approx. 4 calendar months). I say calendar months because the actual time in which my profile was active or visible is far less than that. After all, I can only tolerate so much stupidity in one helping so when my max is reached it forces me to go into hiding until I can sufficiently recuperate! I can’t even count the number of times I’ve hidden my profile not to mention that I completely deleted my profile once and in an apparent moment of brief insanity created it again! Simply proves I truly am crazy or at least enjoy being abusive to myself.
Online dating is an amazing sociological experiment. If only they had it back in the day when I had to take Sociology 101! I might have taken an entirely different career path.
Alright, let’s get to the fun stuff and talk about this game of POF and all the idiosyncrasies of it, not to mention the various pet peeves I have the dating sites (I’m sure they are all the same, though I’ve not been brave enough to endure another one!)
POF = Plenty of Freaks, Fools, Flakes…or any other F word you choose to insert here is really more appropriate than giving fish a bad name! Let’s start with the profile pictures; after all, that’s the first impression and isn’t a picture worth a thousand words? And we’d all be kidding ourselves if we denied an element of attraction as being important here. It’s not like you’re going to find the least attractive dude out there and jump at the chance of sending him a message! Sheesh!
DARK, GRAINY, MICRO:
Guys will take a photo of themselves (we’ll get to that next) and do it in such poor lighting that you can essentially only see a halo of them or a portion of their face amongst the shadows. And poor lighting usually equates to a grainy looking photo! Speaking of grainy photos, if you’re going to post a photo of yourself then don’t find the best photo you have as a thumbnail and blow it up before you post it! It completely distorts everything and at that rate you might as well not even bother! That’d be like you being the priest and me coming in for confessions (I’m admitting to nothing here!). If you are smaller than the size of one of my fingernails in your photo, do you really think I’m going to get a realistic idea of what you look like to determine if I’m interested? Just as guys are, girls are visual! Give us enough to look at to see if we want to test drive before leasing or buying!
Why do guys insist that their car is the best place to take a self portrait? Really? I could think of a 100 other places to take a portrait of yourself than in your car! I especially like it when you are all nice and buckled in! Click-it or Ticket, right!?
I swear dudes either don’t have any friends, think it’s gay to have a picture taken of himself by others or is simply embarrassed to have someone else take that shirtless photo of him (we’ll get to that next). It’s pretty obvious when you can see the camera (better known as their “smartphone” and/or the reflection of the flash in the mirror! Too bad those smartphones aren’t smart enough to hide themselves from the picture! “Mirror on the wall, here we are again”… Speaking of the mirror, inevitably 99% of the mirror photos are taken in the bathroom! I can tell a lot about you based on what is in your bathroom and how clean it is! How about doing some creative photography and at least hold the camera in front of you so that we can’t see the camera. You can worry about the full body shots later!
SHIRTLESS or MINIMAL ATTIRE
While women are visual beings, we also like a little left to the imagination! It heightens our desires to be able to initially undress you with our eyes. 99% of the profiles have photos of the dudes shirtless. This is OK if you are athletic and in shape, however, if you are large and in charge, half gorilla or pasty, pasty white, please put your shirt back on before snapping the photo!
Better yet, you may think you’re all that and that I’m sitting here pining over what you may have in your tool box, but really…I’m not. For those of you who feel the need to unzip your pants, lower them or wear a lose fitting towel so I can see just the top of your groin area…please put your pants back on; after all, what would your mother think if she “came across” those photos! For those of you who feel the need to expose yourself in nothing but your drawers…REALLY? SERIOUSLY? If those babies aren’t brand new, your body is not appealing and/or your tool box isn’t maxed out please, please, please put your pants back on! I could have nightmares for days!
It’s great that you like to workout, but I don’t need photos of you in the locker room taking pics of yourself (see MIRROR above). I also don’t need to see you “working out”. That is, I don’t need to see you lifting the dumb bells or bar bells or lifting on the machines! I get it, you work out, I believe you and can tell by your pictures (see SHIRTLESS or MINIMAL ATTIRE above or FITNESS below). Another thing, it’s great that you like nice arms, chest, back, shoulders and abs…but what the hell happened to those chicken legs of yours! Work it baby!
You may be proud that your body is a canvas for someone’s artwork but there comes a point in time where enough is enough. Tattoos are cool but when I can no longer tell the color of your “true” skin…it’s overboard. You are either sadistic and enjoy pain or you simply have nothing better to spend your money on. A few tattoos…OK, but everywhere!? Ridonkulous!
It’s great that you have photos proving you have friends, but if you’re going to post pictures with you amongst a large crowd of people do you think you could at least tell me which one is you!? I’d hate to mistake you for the cute one when you’re really the least desirable one! Sell yourself; this is your sales pitch to make me want to get to know you!
You have kids, nieces, nephews, etc. in your photos Great, I’m glad you enjoy having a fun time with them, but do you really need to introduce them to the online dating world!? Is their no element of privacy in their lives? Find other pictures, there’s a shitload of creeps out there and you don’t need your children exposed to them!
How about pictures of you with other females that are a little too cozy to call a friend or relative? I’d recommend cropping her out or using a different photo…after all, you do want to find someone else, right? I’m assuming there’s a valid reason they aren’t in your life anymore and women simply have a tendency to analyze, compare and contrast. Do you really want to bring that drama (see profiles below)?
CARS, TOYS OR OTHER MATERIALISTIC ITEMS
How about pictures of just your car, motorcycle, boat or any other expensive or materialistic boy toy? Or…even pictures of you standing proudly next to one of them? Are you wanting to hook up with a bunch of gold diggers? I personally could care less what expensive boy toy(s) you own because the toys don’t make you any more desirable if you you’re a loser with a sucky personality.
Are you one of those guys that has a hat on in every photo or sunglasses or you never smile in your photos? You’re likely bald and are still in denial. You surely look better with your sunglasses on and couldn’t get a fish without them. Your teeth are likely rotting, have already rotted or you have such a screwed up smile that it’d shy someone away from you.
AGAIN…Girls…just as guys…are visual people! We want a dude who takes care of himself and need those photos to validate you do!
So the photos are funny with the items above residing in 90% of the profiles I’ve seen. So let’s move to the Description section of the profile. This is where I get to learn all about you and decide whether or not, in conjunction with your photos, I have any desire to reach out to you or respond to you!
NO DRAMA, DRAMA-FREE
You say you want a woman who is drama free or that you want no drama in your life, but when I meet you, you are the one with the friggin’ drama! A recent study showed that those who say they don’t want drama in their life, actually do and funny enough…create it themselves and are, thereby, culprits of creating their own misery.
Trust me, your picture will clearly indicate how much fitness activity you have in your life. This, just as the ink master above has it’s limitations. If that’s all you do, there’s a reason you are single. I like to be in shape just as the next person but if you have no other interests, have no time because you are at the gym for hours at a time or multiple times a day or have such a restricted diet that we can’t even enjoy a meal together…then enough is enough!
Really? So you say you’re just looking for friendship, then why when we start to chat all you want is more pictures…preferably full body shots with as little clothing as possible? Better yet, we exchange numbers and you call me at 1 a.m. and ask to stop by. Do you really think that you can just stop on by for our first social encounter…really? Trust me, that’s NOT gonna happen. If you want a FWB, then state that…don’t hide behind wanting to just hang out like you would your buddies! And don’t think I’m stupid enough to let you in my house before I’ve ever met you in a public place; you’re likely a FREAK!
That really gives you a good perspective of what you’ll find with online dating. Every once in a while you’ll find that needle in the haystack but do you know how many strands of hay you have to sift through to find that needle!? If you want to make your friends your enemies, recommend they “go online” to find a companion!
Kokokabana is a featured writer on TheZodiac.net. Opinions expressed by Kokokabana are her own and are not necessarily the opinions of The Zodiac or TheZodiac.net
No Comments »
No comments yet.
Leave a comment
You must be logged in to post a comment.