Man of Steel (2013)

Nothing is perfect and my rating system doesn’t deal with halves so I gave this flick the benefit of the doubt and upped it .5 for visual effects.  “Man of Steel” is the most updated version of a Superman flick.  After the last “reboot” a few years back, they went back to the drawing board after seeing the success of the Marvel flicks and how they dealt with their character arcs.  Don’t lie, DC and pretend you didn’t.  Then again, with Christopher Nolan helping with writing and producing the film, I’m sure his influence was projected.  After all, he brought a darkness to Batman that others (for whatever reason) didn’t think to do previously on film.

So, we now have a more serious version of Superman with a background story.  See, in this, the “S” means “hope” on his original home planet, Krypton.  It’s not an “S” at all, but a symbol of his family name.  Or something like that.  Anyway, he’s sent by his parents via spaceship from his doomed planet after a coup has begun by General Zod.  Zod is different from Superman 2′s Zod.  Unfortunately, “Kneel before Zod” isn’t uttered once.  That’s a positive because you can’t pull it off like “Previous Zod”.  Current Zod is pretty good, though. He seems pissed and hell-bent to find the baby that was sent so long ago because he possesses the formula to bring Krypton back to life.  See,…Zod is obsessed with Krypton and trying to re-birth it.  Hence….the conflict.

After discovering his Earth dad (Kevin Costner) and mom (Diane Lane) adopted him, young Clark always felt different than the other kids.  Probably because his eyes could melt things, he could look at his teachers boobs wobble, and he could lift vehicles up.  Some of these acts made him feel like he wasn’t like the others.  So, when he’s old enough, he ventures out to discover himself.  On his first real lead, he’s discovered by Lois Lane, a nosy, thrill-seeking reporter ready for that big scoop.  And when she busts in on him…all hell breaks loose.  We get ship launches, Ghost-Dad, alien visits, and a pissed off Zod and his very attractive and sexy-when-she’s-kicking-all-kinds-of-ass assistant/wife, Faora-Ul played by actress Antje Traue who also seems to have a Kryptonian name.  Alien or not, she might make it on the Hulk Smash list.

Once everything comes into play, and Earth is threatened, Superman is sent to save the day.  Director Zack Snyder made sure that your visual experience would be shocking to the system.  You felt like Zod when he felt the effects of Earth’s atmosphere.  It was a thrill-ride and they didn’t let you rest a bit.  It was suspenseful and exciting.  I watched the 3-D version so I’m sure the regular version is just as good.

Go see it.  I’m a Batman and Hulk fan but this was a great story and well-done.  There were a few nuances that had me saying “WTF?” but I looked past them since this was just a super-hero story re-done…again and nothing is perfect.  Henry Cavill did a great job as Kal-El/Superman/Clark Kent.  Dude looked like he spent half the summer in the gym preparing for the role.  Question: How does Superman shave?  Back on topic…good flick.  See it with someone you hate who believes Marvel does a better job.  Then get drunk and discuss the flick. Ha!

Colombiana (2011)

It’s not difficult to look at Zoe Saldana. After all, she’s a featured guest on my Hulk Smash list for a reason.  She’s slammable, smart, sexy, and apparently,…a ninja!  Yes, Zoe plays an assassin who saw her parents murdered when she was a little kid. Well, what would any 7 year old do when killers are after a disk containing valuable information?  That’s right,…she’d fight back and escape through a window run all over town, and head to an embassy. Then, she’d get a ticket to Miami, escape federal custody, buy a ticket to Chicago, and somehow locate her uncle in the middle of beating the piss out of someone in a dark alley. Yes…most children would do that.

Any who, Catalina or Cathelina or Cathater…whatever her name is as been screwing some White dude on her time off of daily slaughter after realizing as a kid, her dreams in life was to become an notable raging assassin. Nice! Now grown up, hot, skinny, and with perky breasts, Uhura…errr, Catherina hunts down dudes from homes to prisons and leaves their bodies with graffiti pics of flowers drawn on them.   Police stations can’t even hold her down while she’s locked in one of the cells!  How’s that for master-plan-revenge-manipulator?

I’d say you should check this out ’cause it’s a lot of fun and you get to see Zoe in a tight-ass catsuit.  Even She-Hulk was impressed with her lithe, slinky body in that suit.  The nipples popping out were just icing on the cake.  The movie ends with Johnny Cash’s “Hurt”, so I decided the film needed an extra star on the rating. Ha!

Keepsake (2008)

So, we have a woman who seems to be escaping the world for some reason until her car breaks down in the middle of the woods. She seems pretty tough but calls the tow truck. Some hillbillies stumble by and she shoves them off. Here comes AAA to the rescue! Unfortunately, AAA dude, named Earl, has no tongue. It was cut out. She asks him yes or no questions as they drive to the station. Well, she discovers that “Earl” doesn’t look like the Black man whose truck it happens to be and he punches her. They get to the station and she escapes for a minute. Does she run hard? No. She lurks and runs to a truck expecting to find keys in it, I suppose. Anyway, Earl punches her again and handcuffs her to the bathroom stall.

Here comes the cop who is doing everything RIGHT! Brotha man rolls up and runs the plate to check it out since no one is around and the tow truck is just running. Nice. Jacket on the ground? Check! Mysterious? Check! He looks inside and has Earl lurking behind him. He pulls his weapon. Nice! He asks Earl for ID and he gives him some. So, while extremely cautious, the cop goes back to his car to call dispatch on the name. Here’s where he fucks up…as usual! He looks down for a second before he mentions the name and here comes Earl behind him…with HIS gun! Now all of a sudden, it’s “hey buddy…take it easy” Bang! Bang!!

The story begins. The woman is now a hostage of Earl’s and is forced to wear a necklace that he remotely controls to electrocute her. She’s tossed in a basement, forced to strip so he can bathe her with a hose, and makes her eat what he wants her to eat. Why is he doing this? I have no fucking clue! There’s someone upstairs! Why? I have no fuckin’ clue! Why do dead zombies seem to follow this woman while she’s in the basement? I have no fuckin’ clue! Why does she dream about her sister? I have no fuckin’ clue, man. Why didn’t she escape the 50 times she got out of the basement and run? I just have no fuckin’ clue, dude!

So, that’s how the ended. They (the movie producers) claim that it has a crazy twist ending. You know how it ended? I have no fuckin’ clue! Pile of shit movie! Only good thing is the lady got naked a lot and has nice nipples. Other than that, this movie needs to go away.

The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo (2011)

I’m a big fan of the Swedish versions but I held off judgment of this flick until I saw the whole thing. I took out everything I’ve seen before and kept my eyes open for how David Fincher would pull this off. As usual, he hit the nail on the head with the cinematography and the character development was done nicely. So, you have Mikael Blomkvist played by Daniel Craig of the James Bond films disgraced by a trial and awaiting sentencing.

Well, he’s been studied by Henrik Vanger and asked to visit to help him solve a 40 year old mystery. Vanger has been wondering which of his family members murdered his niece, Harriet and wants Blomkvist to solve it before he gets tossed in the slammer. Blomkvist agrees since Vanger says he has some info that could free him. Blomkvist asks for an assistant and is recommended on the one who’s been hacking him the whole time during his trial, a punk-ass goth, motorcycle, pierced and tatted up, Lisbeth Salander. She’s a recluse who does what she wants but is a ward of the state so she has to visit her handler for money and good write-ups. Unfortunately, her regular guardian is hemmed up from a stroke or something so she gets a new handler: some rapist bastard who puts tight reins on Lisbeth’s money and freedom unless she puts out for him.

So both of these people merge into an adventure of mystery, old photos, questions, enemies, serial killers, and more all in the land of Sweden where the story is written. I liked how they portrayed each character and if I may say, Rooney Mara did a bang-up job as Lisbeth. I can’t compare both actresses in each movie but Rooney definitely held the character up to standard. The American version is just as good as the Swedish version and I didn’t think that would be possible. I like how it was all in English but Lisbeth addressed people with the “Hay hay” that Swedes say when greeting.

The landscape was beautiful and the enemies were dreadful. The movie flowed well and somehow Lisbeth got you worked up a bit with her unrelenting behavior and aggressive sexual nature. Rooney pulled that off nicely. Go figure. Yeah…see this flick. It’s dope! And see the Swedish version too.. I love that one too!

Rogue River (2012)

This movie should be called “It Sucks To Be You”. So, there’s a woman who drives out to the middle of the woods to pour her dad’s ashes in a river where they used to go when she was a little girl. A dude stumbles by and finds her “littering” and advises her not to do it. Her car seems to have been towed and she needs a lift so the man offers her some help. He takes her to his house to use the phone and meet his wife. It all sounds really neighborly out deep in the forest where no one else seems to be living.

So, it seems they can’t get through so he offers her a room to stay the night and handle business in the morning. Cool! She has dinner and finds the wife to be a little on the “psycho” side of things. No problem…go to bed and wake up fresh, right? Wrong. She finds the man hovering over her in the dark in his underwear staring at her. And thus, her troubled life begins. Before you know it, guns are involved, rape, baby-making processes, cancer, dead cops,…Oh boy!! By the end, you don’t know what the hell is going on but you’re surely going to want some particular people to die slow, horrible deaths.

I actually kinda liked this flick. It had the dude from Southland in it and apparently Michael Rooker was in it but I must’ve blinked and not seen him. Since Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer, I’ve been a fan of his. But it was good to see some good old-fashion death going on. But in the end, this woman’s life suuuuccckkkss!!

Gingerdead Man 3: Saturday Night Cleaver (2011)

I was in the mood for one of the dumbest movies I could find. After already seeing Gingerdead Man and Gingerdead Man 2: Passion of the Crust, how could I resist when stumbling on the third part of the series? I didn’t even consider giving this flick any stars so don’t expect that to change. This movie was pretty much a rip off of Carrie and Silence of the Lambs. I mean, literally.

In the beginning, we have someone playing the Clarice Starling character from Lambs but of course, they changed her name to something similar. They reenacted the scene in the beginning where she walks through a tunnel of psychotic pastries and eventually ends up at the Gingerdead Man where she discusses some nonsense to him. He’s a rip-off of Chucky so of course he’s tossing her zingers while wearing his Hannibal Lecter mask on his cookie face.

Anyway, some freedom fighters bust in and free the crazy pastries including the Gingerdead Man and pay the ultimate price. Come to find out that the Starla lady’s brother was killed by TGDM and she wanted to shoot him for revenge. He escapes and finds a time machine and travels back to the 1970′s to a roller rink. No, I’m not making this up.

Enter the Carrie scenes. We have a redhead named “Cherry” (ha….ha) who has telekinesis (ha…ha) and is banned from dancing at the roller rink by her aunt (played by a man..?!). Anyway, the GDM wreaks havoc and his time machine doesn’t work. So, he just kills everyone for no reason. Cherry learns to skate and although this is the last day for the rink to be open (due to IRS bills adding up), the pageant for best skating woman is held and as usual, Cherry is nominated. Well, the popular girl gets wind of the voting process and she’s not popular anymore. Here comes the pigs blood..

…you get the gist. At the end, Lizzie Bordon, Jeffery Dahmer, Adolph Hitler, and Charlie Manson seem to make an unnecessary appearance. I’m getting sick writing this. Good God. There seemed to be a lot of implants in 1976 and the b-roll they kept inserting of people dancing on the dance floor was hilariously stupid! I doubt anyone will even see this flick so take my word for it; don’t wait up for part 4.

Death Tunnel (2005)

Have you ever watched a movie and got stressed out while viewing it? Well, that’s what happened while watching this dreaded pile of filth. And it’s not that it was scary that stressed me out. It was the constant style of editing and weak “cinematography” the writer/director/editor put into this that made me wanna look him up on Facebook and send wolves to his front door.

The movie is supposed to be “based on true events”. Yeah…here we go… So, it seems these “true events” lead people to an old scary sanatorium in the middle of Kentucky where 63,000 people died of the incurable disease, tuberculosis. “Wait Zodiac, I thought they cured that”. “They did”…but not in this movie. So, in order for the people back in 1910 to cover up the dead people, they rolled them through this “Death Tunnel” to rid the bodies. Ok…so, I suppose no one ever figured out 63,000 people were missing. But whatever,…this is based on TRUE events, right?

These true events also include the ghosts that haunt the place nightly and kill people in the same manner some of the ghosts had died… You know what? Fuck this movie!! I’m tired of explaining how stupid it is. Just because you have cool photoshopped posters doesn’t make you a film maker, you clown-ass bum, Philip Adrian Booth! It damn sure doesn’t make you an editor! Before writing another movie, look at this one again 50 times and kill yourself.

The Woman In Black (2012)

So, we have Harry Potter actor, Daniel Radcliffe trying to break into more manly roles hardcore! How to you get away from pointing sticks at people and saying “Expecto Patronum”? You don some old school gear and enter a horror movie! Hell yeah! So, this is The Woman In Black where if you spot her, then she enacts revenge by taking one of your children if you’re close enough. She used to live in this old house way back yonder and our young lawyer, Arthur is sent from London to handle the paper work in order to sell the place.

The locals tell his ass to split in the kindest of ways but he doesn’t know why and ignores them. So, the next day, off he goes with a horse and carriage driver who takes him on a long road that washes away at at times due to a high tide. Dude is the only one who will take him there and he asks to return later. Carriage dude agrees. While there, Arthur immediately notices shit in the house isn’t kosher. Papers are all over the place, old photos, and of course, sounds of the house that aren’t supposed to sound like that. Oh yeah…and the woman in black who is looking at the house from outside. Does her get curious? Yes. Does he start walking home like most people? No…he investigates the abandoned place that has a woman that’s there and then is not when he looks away for a second.

After getting back into town, a little girl comes through and dies from drinking lye. The townspeople wanna put the beatdown on old Arthur but he’s saved by a man he met on a train who is willing to help him since he has a car and doesn’t give a fuck. Well, it all gets creepy from there and the Woman in Black makes appearances that creeped me the fuck out. And that’s not easy to do. I don’t jump or get scared at movies anymore but when I get goosebumps, then it’s serious. And this movie made me get goosebumps a few times.

It’s seriously a creepy film but that’s only because dumb-ass Arthur doesn’t realize that when rocking chairs move back and forth with that much force as he’s literally watching it, it’s time to get the fuck outta the damm house! When you see a team of little dead kids staring at you, it may be time to haul ass! When the dog you have tells you “peace, you’re on your own, asshole”, you better split! Other than that, I actually enjoyed this movie.

Boot Camp (2007)

Ok..so, some simp is dating (DATING!!) That 70′s Show prude, Jackie (Mila Kunis) and of course, she’s outta control and rebellious. So, her parents hear of a boot camp to ship her off to in order to calm her down. Of course, this is the Boot Camp from hell on a beach far away from her parents where even they don’t know the location. So far, so stupid. So, Mila is sweating out there where boys are raping the girls and the girls are beating themselves as tough love to admit they suck as kids. Enter the simp!

The simp sucka-ass boyfriend pieces together the island in the South Pacific where his girlfriend is and gets himself purposely in trouble so his parents ship his ass to the same place. By then she’s all beaten down and he goes to save his love with the weakest of plan B’s: make a raft and set sail hoping to hit another island against all odds. He makes it and of course, the tyrant of the island beats him off at the pass and tosses them in the hole to cool their heels.

All this for someone you’re DATING!! Eventually all hell breaks loose, the Lord of the Flies is re-enacted and the little idiots of the island burn the place down freeing themselves. ….now that I see what I’ve written, I feel like giving this one star. I’m too lazy to go back and do it, though.

Skyline (2010)

Yooo!! This movie sucked!  Ok…so we have another E.T. type flick where the Aliens visit earth and want to suck up our resources.  Thank God we have the dude in other flicks with the long face and sharp nose and Donald Faison from Scrubs fame ready to help defeat the Earth-sucking foreigners of the universe!  Yeah…like they have a shot in hell.  And thus, the movie, Skyline comes to fruition.  I can’t believe someone actually budgeted and greenlit this pile of steaming hot feces.  Even worse, there are people out there who got jookz’d into seeing this in the theater.

So, we have sharp-nose dude and Faison who are old friends.  Faison made it big in entertainment and his sharp Devil-faced buddy and his girl (the Olivia Wilde bootleg from NCIS episodes) go visit him in his lavish apartment in LA.  Uh oh…they look into the light and lo-and-behold, the grip is too strong and they start turning veiny blue.  They avoid it with the help of others but some in the apartment are too weak and fall victim to the stupid-looking aliens.

Skyline is about as bad as Donald Faison’s credit and his new Gary Busey-like dentures.  Oh yeah… One Black guy with a WHOLE bunch of White people are trying to escape the end of the world….guess who dies?  haha!

Check this crap out if you wanna see Sgt. Batista from Dexter in action along with a dumb storyline that actually includes a pregnancy which gets them out of trouble.  Yeah…THAT type of movie!  Craptastic!