Name: Nicole Scherzinger

Status: Pussy….catdoll

Occupation: Singer

Why?: For the life of me, I could never say Nicole’s last name. I guess it didn’t matter since her new name would be Nicole Zodiac anyway. I remember when the Pussy Cat Dolls came out and I knew it was a gimmick but the lead singer was so ridiculously hot, I had to know more. So, they released that song about us wishing our girlfriends were hot like her. I thought the song was a parody or something until it climbed the charts. Oh shit! The Death of Music! But Gaaddd DAMN the lead was hot! Forward all of these years later…and guess what? Nicole’s a judge on some show, got some new titties and is STILL HOT! Oh yeah…Nicole would get smashed through the wall-style! Then pinned down until the earth stopped. Thor and his hammer wouldn’t dent me or budge at that point. Nicole…call me. …my lady, She-Hulk will just have to understand.

Name: Minka Kelly

Status: Jeter’s Former Meatbeater

Occupation: Actress

Why?: I was watching this movie I snatched called “The Roommate”. The story was done before (hello,..Single White Female? Anyone? Beuller?). But the lead chick was freakin’ DOPE! I couldn’t stop just looking at her despite the silly film. I looked her up and found that Derek Jeter (of course) was smashing and before marriage, tossed her to the side and wrote her name on his wall with 4 stars next to it. Derek knows about smashing in real life so he gets props. Minka needs to be on my list asap. She’s now doing a dumb soon-to-be-canceled remake of “Charlie’s Angels” so she’ll be out of a job soon. When she does, I can cape for her and give her the Hulk for a few weeks till she’s back on her feet. So, Minka,..the offer is here for you. Thanks for tossing her back to us, Derek.

Name: Jillian Michaels

Status: Pumping Wood..and Iron!

Occupation: Fitness Guru

Why?: Ahh..Jillian! Go Daddy girl! Fitness guru… What more can you want from a woman? Keeps her body tight and can get you free domain names! I’m down! Her face is sometimes on and sometimes off so she barely made the list. But when she’s “on”, she’s pretty damn hot. Flat stomach, abs, and stays active. I’m sure with that much energy, she’s give The Hulk a run for his money in the bedroom. But that wouldn’t deter me from trying to cripple her and keep her wheelchair bound. Yeah, Jillian! Try to keep up now! I’d hulk her in her chair and turn that energy level down a few notches giving me the advantage…. But I digress. Gammas down, man. Gammas down!

Name: Draya Michele

Status: Bad Parent, Hulk Smash

Occupation: Model/Reality Broad

Why?: Have you EVER looked up photos of Draya? Good God! This chick is physically damn near flawless! Chest? Hot, Butt? Hot! hips? Hot..Face? Perfect. Attitude? Sucks! Parenting Skills? Trash. Chris Brown smashed at one time so Breezy is a lucky bastard. I’m sure he couldn’t Hulk Smash and got enough weight in him to MAYBE Bruce-Smash. But I’d put that Green on Draya! She’s some Basketball Wives co-star or something…I don’t know. I saw her on TV and waited for her name to look her up. Then I found she got arrested for neglecting her kid or something while she was out doing something stupid. Whatever. My goal wouldn’t be to have a kid with her. Nah…that would be a negative, doctor. She’s made to look good and smash. ..then go home. Nothing more, nothing less. Sorry Draya…but you know that’s the truth. *shrug*

Name: Dania Ramirez

Status: Smash and Repeat

Occupation: Actress

Why?: Good God! Someone posted some modeling pix of this woman and without blinking, I found her pix, and put her on the Hulk Smash list! Stat! It took a while before realizing this Dominican piece of happy pie was the chick in X-Men…the hottie that was putting on our fellow Hulk Smasher, Halle Berry. She was hot then with all of that black leather and those crazy tats. I’d smash her then..AS the Hulk! Marvel, get on this! This chick is straight up dope! Just look at her. If I came home and my lady was She-Hulking Dania on our bed…I wouldn’t blame her one bit.

Name: Alyssa Milano

Status: Black Magic

Occupation: Actress

Why?: I’ve wanted this chick since she was in Commando. Yeah, it sounds perverted since she was 8 but you know what? So was I! Let’s raise up to Who’s the Fuckin’ Boss?! Still wanted to give it to this Italian beauty. Then comes Charmed and more crap! Still wanted her. Remember when she was down on her luck and kissing lesbian vampires? Yeah…I wanted her even more then. Alyssa has kept her looks up this whole time and hasn’t slipped yet. You’re a moron if you wouldn’t sport her on your arm and then sport her face into the bed’s headboard! Blawww!!

Name: Aishwarya Rai

Status: Bollywood Gamma

Occupation: Actress

Why?: Hey,…I’m not really sure about the films this woman has appeared in nor do I really care. All I know is that she’s been in a shit-load of movies, is hot, and would be a recipient of the Smash Hammer! I’ve seen a lot of Indian women who would get hulked and yet there have a been a grip that would get the Peyton Manning pass with the quickness. But Aishwarya (whose name I couldn’t pronounce nor spell without looking at a reference) would get punished on critical Gamma-mass levels. She’s been referred to as “The Most Beautiful woman in the world”. Let’s see how beautiful she looks after 3 rounds Zodi body splashes! Bolly enough for you Aish?

Name: Vanessa Marcil

Status: Cajones Deep!

Occupation: Actress

Why?:Vanessa Marcil comes on a soap opera I don’t watch. I’m not sure which one since I’m a One Life To Live man. It’s either before or after and in the commercials, she’s talking to that greasy forever-gangster dude, Sonny. You almost have to pause or at least slow down time to fully grasp how beautiful she is! The hammer would need to be lost in her toolbox, y’know? So, deep, your junk suffocates. No air..no breath. She deserves to be Hulk Smashed with the pure intensity of pouring a gassy planet like Neptune onto the sun. Thrusts comparable to a Hemi engine. Vanessa,..no matter the time, date, place, or marital status…I’ll be ready! SMASH!!

Name: Stacey Dash

Status: Forever Young

Occupation: Actress

Why?:Why is Stacey Dash still looking like she did in “Clueless”? How is that possible? Sure, she favors the lighter side of the human species, but whenever she’s ready for some dark meat with a mean green phallus, then she will know where the smasheth will originate from. This woman posed for Playboy in her 40′s and men lined up with lotion and Kleenex in tow to flip the pages with their oily fingers. Ahhh!! Tell me she isn’t bad as hell and deserving of smashing with Hulk-like proportions! Tell me!! And if you do…you’re a bad liar.

Name: Monica Bellucci

Status: Italian Sausage Sucker

Occupation: Actress

Why?:This woman’s been hot forEVER! She was hot in Italian flicks, American flicks, 80s, 90s, and beyond…And I still wouldn’t say “no” to her. Are you crazy?! Who wouldn’t bump Monica Belluci like she was the latest and greatest trend? She’s a nicely-shaped woman with some hips and boobs. Nudity isn’t jack to her and she’s ready to give you a reason to smash Hulk-style. You see Irreversible with the rape scene? I wanted to kill the actor for doing that. In fact, he’s on my shit-list. You don’t do that to Monica. In fact, toss in the director, gaffer, and best boy! I’ll choke the key grip for not stopping the act! If you wanna smash Monica, just BE The Zodiac. Take it and get killed BY The Zodiac..even in the movies! It’s that simple!