Colombiana (2011)

It’s not difficult to look at Zoe Saldana. After all, she’s a featured guest on my Hulk Smash list for a reason.  She’s slammable, smart, sexy, and apparently,…a ninja!  Yes, Zoe plays an assassin who saw her parents murdered when she was a little kid. Well, what would any 7 year old do when killers are after a disk containing valuable information?  That’s right,…she’d fight back and escape through a window run all over town, and head to an embassy. Then, she’d get a ticket to Miami, escape federal custody, buy a ticket to Chicago, and somehow locate her uncle in the middle of beating the piss out of someone in a dark alley. Yes…most children would do that.

Any who, Catalina or Cathelina or Cathater…whatever her name is as been screwing some White dude on her time off of daily slaughter after realizing as a kid, her dreams in life was to become an notable raging assassin. Nice! Now grown up, hot, skinny, and with perky breasts, Uhura…errr, Catherina hunts down dudes from homes to prisons and leaves their bodies with graffiti pics of flowers drawn on them.   Police stations can’t even hold her down while she’s locked in one of the cells!  How’s that for master-plan-revenge-manipulator?

I’d say you should check this out ’cause it’s a lot of fun and you get to see Zoe in a tight-ass catsuit.  Even She-Hulk was impressed with her lithe, slinky body in that suit.  The nipples popping out were just icing on the cake.  The movie ends with Johnny Cash’s “Hurt”, so I decided the film needed an extra star on the rating. Ha!

Keepsake (2008)

So, we have a woman who seems to be escaping the world for some reason until her car breaks down in the middle of the woods. She seems pretty tough but calls the tow truck. Some hillbillies stumble by and she shoves them off. Here comes AAA to the rescue! Unfortunately, AAA dude, named Earl, has no tongue. It was cut out. She asks him yes or no questions as they drive to the station. Well, she discovers that “Earl” doesn’t look like the Black man whose truck it happens to be and he punches her. They get to the station and she escapes for a minute. Does she run hard? No. She lurks and runs to a truck expecting to find keys in it, I suppose. Anyway, Earl punches her again and handcuffs her to the bathroom stall.

Here comes the cop who is doing everything RIGHT! Brotha man rolls up and runs the plate to check it out since no one is around and the tow truck is just running. Nice. Jacket on the ground? Check! Mysterious? Check! He looks inside and has Earl lurking behind him. He pulls his weapon. Nice! He asks Earl for ID and he gives him some. So, while extremely cautious, the cop goes back to his car to call dispatch on the name. Here’s where he fucks up…as usual! He looks down for a second before he mentions the name and here comes Earl behind him…with HIS gun! Now all of a sudden, it’s “hey buddy…take it easy” Bang! Bang!!

The story begins. The woman is now a hostage of Earl’s and is forced to wear a necklace that he remotely controls to electrocute her. She’s tossed in a basement, forced to strip so he can bathe her with a hose, and makes her eat what he wants her to eat. Why is he doing this? I have no fucking clue! There’s someone upstairs! Why? I have no fuckin’ clue! Why do dead zombies seem to follow this woman while she’s in the basement? I have no fuckin’ clue! Why does she dream about her sister? I have no fuckin’ clue, man. Why didn’t she escape the 50 times she got out of the basement and run? I just have no fuckin’ clue, dude!

So, that’s how the ended. They (the movie producers) claim that it has a crazy twist ending. You know how it ended? I have no fuckin’ clue! Pile of shit movie! Only good thing is the lady got naked a lot and has nice nipples. Other than that, this movie needs to go away.

Gingerdead Man 3: Saturday Night Cleaver (2011)

I was in the mood for one of the dumbest movies I could find. After already seeing Gingerdead Man and Gingerdead Man 2: Passion of the Crust, how could I resist when stumbling on the third part of the series? I didn’t even consider giving this flick any stars so don’t expect that to change. This movie was pretty much a rip off of Carrie and Silence of the Lambs. I mean, literally.

In the beginning, we have someone playing the Clarice Starling character from Lambs but of course, they changed her name to something similar. They reenacted the scene in the beginning where she walks through a tunnel of psychotic pastries and eventually ends up at the Gingerdead Man where she discusses some nonsense to him. He’s a rip-off of Chucky so of course he’s tossing her zingers while wearing his Hannibal Lecter mask on his cookie face.

Anyway, some freedom fighters bust in and free the crazy pastries including the Gingerdead Man and pay the ultimate price. Come to find out that the Starla lady’s brother was killed by TGDM and she wanted to shoot him for revenge. He escapes and finds a time machine and travels back to the 1970′s to a roller rink. No, I’m not making this up.

Enter the Carrie scenes. We have a redhead named “Cherry” (ha….ha) who has telekinesis (ha…ha) and is banned from dancing at the roller rink by her aunt (played by a man..?!). Anyway, the GDM wreaks havoc and his time machine doesn’t work. So, he just kills everyone for no reason. Cherry learns to skate and although this is the last day for the rink to be open (due to IRS bills adding up), the pageant for best skating woman is held and as usual, Cherry is nominated. Well, the popular girl gets wind of the voting process and she’s not popular anymore. Here comes the pigs blood..

…you get the gist. At the end, Lizzie Bordon, Jeffery Dahmer, Adolph Hitler, and Charlie Manson seem to make an unnecessary appearance. I’m getting sick writing this. Good God. There seemed to be a lot of implants in 1976 and the b-roll they kept inserting of people dancing on the dance floor was hilariously stupid! I doubt anyone will even see this flick so take my word for it; don’t wait up for part 4.

The Human Centipede II (Full Sequence) (2011)

Well…This was a nice little ditty brought to you from the good folks from the Six team who, of course, brought to you the original Human Centipede movie.  Now, that flick, I thought fell short on the violence and graphic physical terror it’s reputation holds.  But this one?  Yeah…they really brought the sickness and turmoil to the screen along with some great effects that changed the whole mood of the film.

In this Part 2 flick, a short, bug-eyed, turtle-looking something named Martin lives with his verbally (and potentially murderous) mother.  He sees a prostitute-boning shrink who looks like a hippified Hasidic  Rabbi and drowns his every last minute obsessing over his favorite flick, The Human Centipede.  So, what’s a security guard hobbit supposed to do in this situation?  Ahh!  Top the flick in question by building his own 12-person Human Centipede but with the caveat of having the original actress from the flick as the front-piece.

This film is shot in black and white and barely has any dialogue.  Martin doesn’t say shit throughout the film.  He grunts and spits but that’s about it.  He’s no surgeon so all of the blood and violence lacking in the first one is definitely filled in droves in this movie. Ha!  And if you don’t know what a Human Centipede is, it’s when you stitch people from mouth-to-anus and feed the first one so it craps to the next person, etc. until the last person shits.  Not the best commercial for Orbit gum but it’ll do.

Martin tops the last flick by injecting each person with laxatives.  Haha.  The hilarity ensues!  Check the flick out when you can.  But if you’re queasy at stuff like blood, shit, piss, and vomit, then you better stay away and wait for Happy Feet 2.

The Digga Chronicles – Episode 2: Not From Brooklyn? On Roll Modelz TV

Rapper Delivers Performance From Atop NYC Light Post – http://zodi.me/eptaj #TheZodiac

Congratulations to Rosy!  She won The Zodiac’s July Model of the Month.  Rosy busted through the gates from Queens, NY accumulated over 65 “Likes” to snatch the crown from her 4 competitors over the course of the month.  Obviously liked and full of life, this ambitious beauty has a birthday on June 23rd so it was fitting she won Model of the Month!

Share, Like, Tweet, or email Rosy to everyone and give her the exposure she deserves!  Congratulations Rosy!